The Gift of Time

Today I am overwhelmed.

Which – to be fair – is not an entirely new feeling for me, as I stumble through raising a household of 3 dirty, noisy, wrestling, questioning boys ….

But today is not like that. Today is not the familiar kind of overwhelmed I have (for better or worse) basically become used to over the years.

Today is new.

Today my house is silent. 

No cupboards or doors opening and slamming shut. No wrappers crinkling, crumbs falling. No cartoon voices or crashing Lego bins being emptied. No sounds of bickering, silly made-up games, or giggling coming down the hallways.

No one saying, “Mommy.”

Because today my house is empty.

Today our youngest joined his 2 older brothers.

He climbed the tall steps up the school bus, flashed us his beautiful smile, and grew up.

Today Graham started kindergarten.  

And today I am overwhelmed with gratitude.

Because I am not an award-winning mother.

I yell too much and lose my patience too quickly. I do not sit down and play with them as much as I should have.  We did not make amazing memories every single day this summer. And I did not appreciate “all the little things” over the years – like I’m supposed to – nearly enough.

But despite my profuse failures, I am full of a happy sadness today. 

Because while praying and reflecting this morning… and fighting an overpowering sense of loss – mixed up with a whole storm of guilt and sadness and excitement and apprehension (being a parent is fun, huh?) – I asked for Peace. 

I asked to somehow find Joy in today.

And just like that, a calmness came over me – as my narrow view was slowly expanded to the awesome awareness that I have been given the gift of a lifetime.

Since the moment I became a mother, I have had the privilege of spending every single day with my children.  

Through both the good days and bad, I got to watch every minute as they grew from infancy into the capable, curious, and clever little boys they have become.

And although there’s only a handful of really noteworthy, stand-out days or experiences…. when I pause and add up all the common, seemingly mundane, little memories over the years…. it makes me catch my breath.

I finally see their value.

And my cup runneth over.

Because I finally realized this morning, that all those daily, ordinary memories… add up to their Childhood.

And I have been allowed to be here for every single day of it.

So, while we absolutely moved houses, went on vacations, camped out, explored parks, celebrated birthdays, and experienced our fair share of additional monumental moments over the years… we also played baseball in the backyard. (and Kickball at Mimi's!)

We ate nachos while we watched Jaws on family move night.

We built a teepee in the woods.

We had Nerf wars and caught toads.

We wrestled in a big giant heap of “Love Time” on Mommy and Daddy’s bed.

And we danced to old songs in the kitchen.

And today as I sit in my quiet, empty house… my head and heart swirling with all the past memories made… I am overwhelmed with gratitude.

Because over that past eight years that I have been a mother, I have been given the most 

undeserved and amazing gift of my life  - 

 the Gift of Time with my Boys.

♥ ♥ ♥ 

Holden - 3rd Grade 

(This pose was completely all his idea... lol)

Bridger - 1st Grade

Toothless grin!

Clown. Haha. (Think he's maybe a little bit excited?)

And then Holden also asked for one seated on the bench. :)

Both of my big boys on their first day. 

And since Kindergarteners didn't start for 2 more days... Mommy and Graham got to have one last special day. Just the 2 of us. 

Kindergarten Eve.... 

We went out to breakfast.... 

.... and then went exploring at a park. 

Caught some worms. 

(Because worms/bugs/toads/frogs are Graham's most absolute favorite things in the world.)

Played on some logs.

And then Mommy's little prayer was answered when we FINALLY found a TOAD.

And TOAD-ally (sorry, haha)  made Graham's last day when he was allowed to take it home in his little Toad Catcher.

SUPER ready to TAKE ON KINDERGARTEN!!! :)

And then we had a few lazy hours left - just the 2 of us - so we caught some crickets (for the toad), found some shapes in the clouds, made funny faces, and read a pile of books while eating chocolate and snuggling on Mommy's bed. 

And then that was it. 

With wiggles and jitters and excited prayers, everyone was tucked in on the last night before Kindergarten.

.   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   

 

Absolutely, 100% READY.

(It was chilly outside this morning, lol)

And a silly one :)

Watching the Big Brothers.

 And then with this weird "cool guy" pose.... who TEACHES my kids this posing stuff?

ALL of my handsome BIG BOYS together ♥ ♥ ♥

One with Daddy

One with Mommy

 And then I smiled and DID NOT cry.... while I stayed behind. 

And watched my three babies. 

Watched Graham join his big brothers and do just what he's seen them do 100 times...  like this was nothing new.....  like it was absolutely no big deal. 

.... Like he's been ready for this day forever. 

Like he absolutely can't wait to make some brand new memories. 

♥    ♥    ♥    ♥    ♥

The Tree (aka The Year I Gave Up)

With the sale of our house, and the purchasing of our land, and the adjusting to a rental, and the general smooth path everything has taken... we have MUCH to be thankful for this year. (It's kind of overwhelming actually, how much we have been blessed beyond all our greatest hopes.)


However, with all of these crazy exciting changes... also comes a fairly great amount of uncertainty.

Worry... anxiety... decisions... uprootedness... stress.... It's strange to be so unbelievably excited and hopeful... and also completely unsure and unsettled at the same time.

It's complicated, that's for sure.


And there are endless intricate combinations of words that I could weave together to describe precisely where I am mentally, emotionally, physically, etc right now this Holiday season... but I honestly feel like the best possible way to express exactly how much I'm genuinely trying to just let go and let God... to release my innate desire for Control.... to relax, to remember, and to just find joy this fleeting season....  is to share with you all: The Tree.

 It began as many previous years: with a trip to a local tree farm.... 

Despite promises and genuinely good intentions... we never did make it to the Zoo this year. 

.....Or even to the pumpkin patch.  (yup. we fail.)

So we made the decision to spend the extra money on a tree just so we could go to the farm with the hay rides and make it a whole fun, family day. (and make up for not taking them anywhere else we said we would... obviously...)

Oh hey? Turns out those wagon rides we were all so excited about, and talking about for days, and building up, and remembering from years past.... Yea. They don't do those anymore.

Guess that's what happens when you don't go there for three years. Things change. Trees get chopped down. And now there's no need for the wagon ride anymore. 

(But, silver lining, the newly planted baby trees should be ready in about 7 years... and the wagon ride will be back up and running! ..... *blink blink* so... yea.)

 

So we looked at the reindeer. 

(It was, like, not thrilling.)

Posed and smiled (under threat of leaving RIGHT NOW) for this Christmas-y shot

 And he smiled for me, too.  

Golly do I love this man.

And headed out (on the 3 minute stroll up the hill) to find our perfect tree

 The boys remembered one Christmas years ago when it was snowing and we all played in the sleds and had so much fun

But then Daddy huffed, laughing- while dragging their dead weight up the grassy hill with all his might-  

"Where's... the... snow?!?"

And they all had to get out. 

Now, there are 2 price brackets for the different tree species... and we very quickly decided we were choosing the cheaper of the 2 price tags no matter what the tree looked like.

See, we're good with decision-making like that.



And in no time flat (like seriously, 7 minutes into the "adventure"?) we located the perfect, mediocre candidate.

Oh yea. Nailed it. 

So it was time for some sawin'.



And, like all good parents who are out to make up for broken promises and capture every second of old-fashioned family Christmas fun time.... we first handed the saw to our 8 year old.

Get it, Holden! Go, go, go!

But. When he failed to even put a dent in the trunk.... we were forced to  turn the saw over....

... to the 6 year old. 

Go Bridger, go! 

That cast came off your arm a GOOD 3 days ago.... time to get to work.

Clearly, nothing is being accomplished here.

And then there was this kid. 

I don't even know WHAT he was doing. 

Let's assume cheering on "the brothers."

Good job, Graham. Well done.

Eventually we told them "Hey thanks, but you really aren't actually helping all that much" and Daddy just cut it down.

Propped up the iPhone in a nearby Christmas tree and snapped this (slightly blurry) bad boy

And off we went. 

Back down the path to the shaker and the bailer (or whatever their REAL names are)

 Tradition ♥

4 Hot chocolates... because sometimes Mommy needs one, too...  and we were on our way home

And then I got a snapchat from my beautiful sister of her new, beautiful living room, and her beautiful Christmas tree.....

(How pretty is that?!)

So I immediately grabbed the camera... and snapped her back:

It definitely needed more lights. (or something...)


So off to the store I ran.




And when I came home....

...... the boys in my life had been busy.

I literally opened the front door, looked over, laughed, and said "So, why is the wreath on the tree?"

(Even Clementine is like: Guys, a wreath? On a tree? I'm not sure that's right...)

And Jared happily replied, while tossing paper Easter Grass stuff at it:

  "Oh... we put EVERYTHING on this tree."

And he wasn't lying.

Handmade paper ornaments... ripped or not... up they go!

Upside down (33 year old) ornaments

Multiple ornaments on one single branch? 

Yea buddy. 

The more the merrier.

(also don't even bother to worry about backwards/forwards.... it's whatever. Just get it hooked on there somewhere. It's good enough.)

But wait. I bet you were thinking that they forgot the star, right? 

Cuz that's what I was thinking when I said "But Jared, where's the star?"

And he said, "Oh... it's in there."

So there it is.

In all it's enormous, tacky, gaudy, cluttered, disorganized, amazing GLORY.

I mean, we can be honest. 

This tree is a hot mess exploding with Christmas spirit. 

And it's just trying to be the best it can be with what it has. 

And I'm not fixing it.

Not one ornament.

My Christmas tree makes me smile (and sometimes literally laugh out loud). 

And in all the crazy, chaotic, stressful EXCITEMENT that has been this year... 

this train wreck of a Christmas tree - and all the memories of just letting go and having fun on that one chilly Saturday - could not possibly bring me more joy.

I loved this day. And I love this memory. 

This Christmas.. this TREE... will be forever remembered as the Year I Gave Up. 

And just had fun.

🎄